Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Oh, Otto.

A few weeks ago I was browsing the lingerie section of my local Tar-jay, looking for something to go under a sparkly black top I had purchased to wear to a wedding. It was the week after Valentine’s Day, so there were plenty of gorgeous lace demi-bras to be had for those whose cups do not runneth over.

There were delicate, sheer, containment units for fried eggs (barely A), apples (barely B), and oranges (barely C). For the ladies with grapefruits, there was a smattering of heavy-duty white cotton numbers more suited to a German grandmother than to a 25-year-old nursing mom trying to look nice for a special event.

“Achtung! Zees undervear vill lift and support, ya, and scare away zee men!”

Seriously, these bras practically started at the neck and covered most of the ribcage and the straps were at least four inches wide. The matching panties to these things came in sizes L, XL, and 1 X. You could sail a pirate ship with a pair or two.

But for me, there was nothing.

I am well past the grapefruit stage. My ladies are more like big momma Holsteins. While pregnant with Tommy I discovered the cup on my bra is large enough for me to wear like a hat. On my Very. Large. Head.

Oh, Otto Titsling, purported inventor of the “over the shoulder boulder holder,” why did you stop your attractive designs when they will only support pebbles, gravel, maybe a river rock or two? Are us boulder ladies resigned to only using special orthopedic-style supports and trusses? Should I just have a flying buttress installed and call it quits?

So here’s my little secret: Apart from one of the very first bras I owned, (at age 13, a lovely pink lacy number) I have never owned a pretty piece of everyday lingerie. I have never, ever, owned a bra with matching panties.

I have tried stores for larger ladies, but the problem is, the rest of me isn’t that large. I am an average weight for my height. I am not large, except, well, you know. So stores for the “plus-sized” do me no good at all.

We won’t even talk about Victoria and her secret. Her secret is that women with actual breasts can’t shop at her store. Oh, how I hate Victoria and her stick-thin models. Have you seen the new Ipex commercials? The “wireless” wonder bra is supposed to be ultra-supportive, but the commercial makes it very clear that the model doesn’t actually have anything to support! So how would she know?

I have a vile hatred of the lingerie industry. I am jealous of all those fried egg ladies out there, who buy bras that pad and lift and push and inflate, supposedly to look more like me, while I’m out here with my girls hanging low, wondering how much sailcloth it will take to hoist them aloft. And all I want is a little lace to dress it up.


Rachelle said...

I'm plus size, so large all over, but have cantaloupes as well. It sucks trying to find something pretty!

Stephanie said...

Been there. When I was nursing, it was impossible to find anything that fit properly or looked interesting. I ended up finding some that I liked at the Maidenform outlet store. I don't know if there is one near you, but they generally have a good selection.

They saved me once, they'll keep me as a customer for life.

Good luck!

Jess said...

Heh. This is hysterical! I loved the link to Tomato Nation; Sars is one of my favorites.

shannon from rocks in my dryer said...

"We won’t even talk about Victoria and her secret. Her secret is that women with actual breasts can’t shop at her store." LOL! That's the best thing I've heard all day. Hubs always wants me to shop there, and I've told him I'm boycotting VS until they make nursing bras. And I'm no longer nursing! It's just the principle.

Goslyn said...

Shannon -

Ha ha! I have boycotted VS for a long time, especially since they stopped carrying any bra sizes larger than C. I have a few "special" pieces from the store, but in general I just find thier quality and selection leave something to be desired.

Oh well.

Diana - Teacher Mom said...

Sadly, I've come to accept that my boobs will forever hang low and wobble to and fro. At least I can't tie them in a know or tie them in a bow. But unfortunately, I don't think I'll actually ever find an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder that A. looks pretty, B. is supportive, or C. a combination of A. and B.

mopsy said...

Non-pregnant and non-nursing, I am one of those "fried egg" ladies, although I think of them more as mosquito bites. At my most outrageously exploding-with-milk moments, I was a decent C cup. Pregnant, I am a weak B.

Victoria does not help the A cup ladies, either, to tell you the truth---all the technology in the world can't shove together two mosquito bites into cleavage. I could probably find a good bra in the Girls' Department at Tarjay. I never thought about looking there...hmmmm.

judyh58 said...

The only way for me to get my girls to be where they should be is to stand on my head.