Monday, January 15, 2007

Devolution in the Maternity Ward

Lest you think gestating is all about feeling baby flutter and attaining a round, happy glow, I would like to share the dark side of reproduction.

The side of pregnancy that makes you look less like this:

and more like this:

Embarrassing as it is to admit, I have more than a few stubborn chin hairs, which I meticulously remove with tweezers whenever I can see them. God help me if I ever lose my eyesight or my tweezers; I'd give my bearded husband a run for his money. But this is a sexy look, don't you think?

Well, of course pregnancy makes it worse. Something about hormones, I suppose. Last time around, the worst problem I had was that I developed linea nigra. Which was kind of neat, except that it didn't cleanly bisect my belly, but veered slightly off to one side. I am just anal retentive enough to be bothered by that, and I was glad when it finally went away after Tom was about six months old.

But today, I discovered the insult of all insults. Just above my right breast, I noticed a peculiar hair where no hair had grown before.

A dark, curly chest hair.

Aagh! It was quickly dispatched to the land of unwanted follicles, but I pray it won't come back. I can just barely handle all the testosterone in the house as it is - heaven help us if I start producing large amounts of it too.

It's bad enough that I inherited the hairy-arm gene from my PawPaw, worse yet that I keep hoping the ancient Egyptian fashion trend of uni brows will come back in style so I can give my poor tweezers a rest.

But a chest hair! Come on.

Just throw a banana in my cage every now and again, and I promise to keep my poo to myself.

Oooo eeee oooo!


smartmama said...

hey i have that shirt- I have an off centered bellybutton- and when i get pg it totally pops out and is noticeable

Anonymous said...

Hair in places you never expected? Just you wait until menopause...

Heth said...

Oh you are too cute! Love your necklace.

Just go in for a full body wax, it can't be that painful. *grin*

mopsy said...

LOL! At least you have a sense of humor about it---and you are awfully courageous to share these little tidbits with us. You know your audience, though---I can think of several ways my body startled me during pregnancies.

stuff said...

Fortunately I haven't had the extra weird hair problem. I have noticed, though, that with each child my bellybutton has refused just a little more to go back to where it belongs. It is so shallow now, in fact, that the marvelous Gabey-baby tells me on a regular basis that it's "broken." I think after one of these pregnancies I'm going to be an official outie.

You look terrific!

Judy said...

Oh, dear.

I can SO relate.

Baby Boy likes to rub my chin. And laugh.

Stephanie said...

You look beautiful!

And I learned something new from you: I never knew that line had a proper name. Mine is totally funky. It's a centered line above my belly button, and then veers off center below my belly button.

Ah, the "beauties" of pregnancy!

Toni said...

Oh my, you are so BRAVE to post that! Don't think my self-esteem could handle that! You still look beautiful, even if you are buying stock in Gillette! hehe

Nikkie said...

I wouldn't have taken it as well as you did. That is just wrong!

scribbit said...

Reminds me of Midwestern Mommy's post from a few days ago that cracked me up.

Anne Glamore said...

hat's what keeps me from getting Lasik (apart from the $$!) I can't figure out how I'd see close up to pluck!!